Parenting and the Power of Unconditional Positive Regard

Entering into the role of a parent for the first time can be a bewildering experience. The complexity of life expands as we find ourselves responsible for not only our own wellbeing, but that of another human - another human who is almost completely dependent on us. Navigating this new reality can be made more complex not by the lack of resources, but the abundance of them. New parents can expect to be bombarded by a staggering array of new information and advice from friends, from their own parents, from books and social media. Much of this advice will be helpful, some will be misguided, some may be mutually contradictory, and a lot will be unwanted. So how do we sort through it all to give our children the best foundation for development?

As a parent, one thing which I’ve found helpful when sorting through individual pieces of advice is to reflect on the underlying principles which I want to govern my relationship with my child, principles which I believe are founded in sound psychological theory. One of those principles, for which I advocate both as a parent and as a psychologist, is that of Unconditional Positive Regard.

What is Unconditional Positive Regard?

Unconditional Positive Regard is a psychological concept popularised by the therapist Carl Rogers, and is the basis for the approach known as Person-Centred Therapy, as well as underlying multiple other therapeutic approaches. It refers to the fundamental acceptance of a person, regardless of their actions, and the genuine care and regard for that person’s wellbeing. It teaches that everyone possesses within them the capacity for self-development and growth, but that the development towards one’s true self can only effectively take place within an environment of acceptance and support.

I think that the most valuable work which I have done as a psychologist has been when I have been able to effectively communicate a sense of Unconditional Positive Regard for those with whom I work. However, the therapy room should not be the first place we experience such acceptance - the first place should be in our homes.

How can I put it into practice?

1. Separate the person from the behaviour.

Unconditional Positive Regard is the complete acceptance of a person, not complete approval of their behaviour. A behaviour may be unacceptable even if the person deserves (and needs) acceptance, and it can be helpful as parents to try and modify the way in which we speak about such behaviours. We can (and must) communicate limits and boundaries as parents, but we can do so while still expressing to the child that they are loved, valued and accepted, and can do so in part by reserving judgments for the behaviour and not the child themselves. Stating that “It’s not OK for you to take all of the lollies without sharing with your sister” communicates something very different to “You’re such a selfish child, how could you be so inconsiderate?”.

2. Approach problems collaboratively.

As parents, our anxiety to set up our children for the best possible long-term future often leads us to be constantly reprimanding them for engaging in their short-term desires. This can lead to the development of a relationship in which the parent is primarily seen as an obstacle to the child in achieving their desires, and neither the parent nor the child is happy. Sometimes, you have to be in this role - children want to explore the world, and try new things, and sometimes they really, really want to stick a metal object in a powerpoint, and you must be the obstacle that stops them. Nonetheless, as children age, the principle of Unconditional Positive Regard encourages us to work alongside them to solve problems, as opposed to against them to curtail what we see as misbehaviour. If a child is struggling with homework, there’s a reason for it, and it’s not simply because they’re a bad child. If we gently approach alongside them and try examine what’s holding them back, then we can problem-solve from the perspective of a supporter as opposed to punishing them for “getting it wrong”.

3. Emphasise the Unconditional.

We have more than enough conditional sources of approval in today’s society. We receive good grades at school, or achieve success in our hobbies, or wages from an employer all because our performance is good enough. If we think back further, even the idea of Santa Claus when we’re young children encourages conditional approval - you can have the present you want…if you’ve been good. As children age, there will be no shortage of ways in which they can receive conditional approval and regard. As parents, we need to be a source of unconditional approval, even when they fall short of the expectations of teachers and coaches, even when they fall short of their own expectations and think of themselves as failures. If we communicate to our children that they are loved and accepted - unconditionally - then we can become the safe and secure base from which they can explore the world, and to which they can return whenever they need. It is this secure base that gives them the freedom to discover and become their authentic selves, knowing that regardless of who that authentic self happens to be, at their core, they are loved.